Everyday I think about my mom, everyday.

She had a problem with pills, due to deaths in the family and just couldnt stay emotionally stable.There were so many fights with our family when i was growing up, cop visits, ambulance, rehab visits, jail visits… just over and over and over. I was emotionally drained, feeling detached and like my childhood was robbed from me at times when i had more responsibilities then kids my age. I was 12 when it started, cleaning the house, looking after my sister. Of course i never did as much as a parent would, but still… i tried to make a difference so my dad would be happy. I supported my mom for awhile but eventually it got down to me just completely ignoring her, no hugs, no smiles, no communication.. i just so desperately wanted her to take the hint and become the mother i looked up to so much when i was young.

She would taunt me with things like “do you not love me?”, “what would you do if i died?”, “would it better if i just left?” And usually i ignored her, got extremely mad because i felt like they were cries for attention or answer some of those brutally honest. But every so often.. she’d get so upset and cry… then i had to soften up, hug her and let her know i do care. That i want her to get better, that i do love her and that i just want my mom back.

But then one day, after ignoring her on another streak… i was woken up by my dad at 6 in the morning with “your moms not breathing!” And she collapsed… she was gone the moment i walked into my parents bedroom and you could just tell… just nothing, she just stared straight.

And i would want nothing more than to have her around again, because even when she was at her worse.. somewhere in between there, we would have good talks.. good laughs. I would love to answer those questions she asked all the time..